Dealing with Conflict in Marriage!
By Michael and Rebecca Holland
This week has been full of a lot of drama in the news, drama in the political arena, and continued drama about the state of marriage. We’ve even watched all of this drama affect marriage partners. It seems that all the discord in our society is even making its way into the way we communicate with our friends, co-workers, and even our family members. Frequently, when we observe others who are discussing differing points of view, the parties involved will speak with increasing volume, interrupt each other, and keep repeating their key points, all in hopes that the “other person” will understand them. This only increases the conflict, and in a very short time, the conflict about ideas becomes personal, and the focus becomes about “winning” or convincing the other person that we are right.
It’s always interesting to watch how people handle themselves when we are discussing political issues. Some people get extremely passionate when they talk about politics. Nothing can set off their anger or ignite their convictions more than discussing their positions on political and social issues. In fact, politics is one of those topics that we’re told NOT to discuss at places like family reunions and the workplace because it can easily turn into conflict. We see this conflict happening all the time on social media like Facebook or Twitter. Friends have parted and families have become divided over politics. Even in our own families, we have seen tension rise when the subject of politics and social issues are approached. We’ve watched siblings and cousins go from calm to yelling at each other during conversations about the political parties. Politics seems to be a “hot” button for many people and once it’s pushed, the outcome often isn’t pretty!
We’ve asked ourselves why it is that people are so passionate about the topic of politics and why they are so willing to lose friendships over a disagreement. We’ve come to the conclusion that it is about the values and central beliefs that people hold. A conversation will go from a friendly debate to verbal assault of a person’s view on life within a matter of 5 minutes. The “hot” button is connected to the person’s feelings about what they value in life. Suddenly, instead of talking about national security and what should be done about it, they are discussing whether their beliefs are valued. It becomes very personal very quickly. In addition, each person keeps at the debate to try and convince the other person that they are right. Most of the time, the only outcome we see is offense and frustration leading to disconnection between the people involved.
We see this same thing happening in marriages. We all have “hot” buttons that can be pushed by our spouse. The “hot” buttons are connected to our values and beliefs and sometimes, our life experiences. We can be having a pleasant, meaningful conversation with our spouse and suddenly, hit that “hot” button and before we know it, we are in heated conflict. We may have started communicating about the weather and end up arguing about why we live where we live. We bet some of you would say that you have had your share of disagreements with your spouse and you aren’t sure how those fights ever got started. Sometimes we even hear spouses say that they are even fighting about “why” they are having a fight! Hitting a “hot” button launches us into arguments that sometimes make no sense. We are willing to keep arguing with the hope of changing our partner’s mind. This only escalates the situation and we find ourselves saying things we wish we could take back. Once a “hot” button is pushed, continuing to press the issue only makes it worse.
The next time you hit your spouse’s “hot” button or the next time yours is launched, step back and take a minute to breathe and calm down. If you hit the “hot” button, use active listening to lower the emotion and hear the other person. Active Listening is repeating what you hear your spouse saying. Simply repeat what you hear, and try beginning with a statement like? “So, if I hear what you are saying…….” Or “If I understand you correctly, you are telling me……” This does not mean you agree with your spouse, or you think they are right, it’s just simply letting your spouse know that you heard them accurately. Also, Active listening has the ability to reduce the level of emotion. Now, if you are the one who’s “hot” button was launched, then request a short time out to cool down and think about what you want the outcome to be from your discussion. Pray and ask the Lord to help you to see things from His perspective. Return to the conversation when you feel you can discuss it in a way that will be healthy. We will always hit each other’s “hot” buttons; that is normal. HOW we handle it after it happens is the key!
So remember that when your spouse hits your “hot buttons”, or you hit their “hot buttons” do the following to help you calm down, and reconnect with each other:
- Try to use Active Listening first to understand the other person’s point of view.
- Remember, Active Listening is NOT agreement, or stating that the other person’s point of view is correct.
- Active Listening is ONLY indicating that you heard and understood the other person’s point of view.
- Active Listening can help you to maintain your own emotions much more effectively!
- Agree to take a time out to calm down, pray and think about what you really want the outcome of the disagreement to be.
- Realize that men and women are different, and solve problems and issues differently. Respect those differences, and resolve to work as a team to solve the conflict.
- Be willing to forgive. Be willing to let your spouse have their own opinion.
- Finally, sometimes it is best to agree to disagree.
We will always hit each other’s “hot” buttons; that is normal. HOW we handle it after it happens is the key!
Michael and Rebecca Holland are the directors at The Family Lifeline. The Family Lifeline is a ministry dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through its various programs. Currently in its 10th year of operation, The Family Lifeline has served over 35,000 clients. Michael and Rebecca bring their personal passion and professional backgrounds to serve the community, believing that “with God NOTHING shall be impossible.” Contact The Family Lifeline at 505-891-1846 or at their website: www.thefamilylifeline.net to find out how The Family Lifeline can help!
