By Michael Holland, Executive Director of The Family Lifeline, Inc.
It’s spring time, and often it’s also “Wedding Season.” Many times, we get requests from parents asking how to help in the transition as their children get married. They ask: “What are some practical steps we can help to make this transition as smooth as possible?” So, to help here are a few thoughts that I have for the fathers who might be asking this very question.
“There she is…..my little girl….dressed in a wedding gown, all grown up. How did the years fly by? I remember when she would sit on my lap and snuggle close to me. Now, I will place her hand in another man’s and give her away. How can I let her go?” This is the conversation many dads have with themselves when they walk their daughters down the aisle and give them away at a wedding ceremony. This child, who once desperately needed you, will now be creating a life of her own and your role will change.
There is an important moment in the wedding service that is rarely noticed. After the bride’s father says his traditional “Her mother and I do” and gives her a kiss on the cheek, he takes a back seat to the marriage. The mother and father’s relationship with their child is now secondary to the relationship of bride and the groom; husband and wife. As the “two become one,” parents take a back seat to their child’s new marriage.
It is one of the greatest challenges for any parent; to change from being a child’s parent to becoming a friend/mentor. Now that your kids are grown, they’re looking for the very thing you once fantasized about: a wise and loving mentor. Most parents ask themselves this question: How do I, the parent, restructure the relationship so I am not too involved but where I am not so hands-off that there isn’t much of a relationship at all? This is not an easy question to answer and yet there are a few things that every parent can do in changing the role they play in their children’s lives.
Here are some tips that might help:
- Let go of what was and embrace what is! Transitioning to a new role with adult children means you have to be able to grieve the loss of the relationship you once had and embrace the new role you will have in your child’s life. This is not the same kind of grief process as you would go through if someone died. It is like a trapeze artist who is transitioning from one high bar to another. He can’t hang onto both bars at the same time and make it work. He has to let go of one bar to reach out and grab the other one. Begin by listing the things that you cannot do anymore in your child’s life and listing the new things you will be able to do.
- Don’t zip it. Keeping communication lines open is even more important now as your role shifts. Talk frankly and openly about what you want, need and expect in this new relationship role. It may be as simple as a Sunday evening call home or another regular way to keep in touch. Encourage your adult child to do the same. What are his/her wants, needs and expectations? Communicating clearly about these will make a big difference in your relationship.
- Be respectful. You probably wouldn’t criticize a friend’s choice of spouse, profession or hemline, yet it’s common to blurt those well-intentioned, but oh-so-poorly-phrased criticisms to an adult child. If you truly thought your friend was making a terrible mistake, you’d tell him, but carefully and tactfully. Exercise the same respect and compassion with your child.
- Nurture the relationship. Here’s the best part: Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected. They balance time together and time apart. This is a new role for the two of you and needs to be nurtured. Take time to enjoy it.
- Think of yourself as an advisor. Just like in the corporate world, good advisors offer expertise only when asked, express it diplomatically and expect that at least half of what they say will be ignored. That’s OK. It’s no reflection on your superb (of course!) advice. Your input is just a part of what your now-grown child may be using to make a decision and in any case, it’s not your choice to make. You can avoid hurt feelings on both sides if you preface your advice with phrases such as “One possible solution might be …” or “You’re probably looking at many issues, but one thing to consider is …” Finally, don’t give advice to an adult child unless they ask you for it.
- Be willing to forgive quickly. The transition from parent to friend/mentor comes with many mistakes. There isn’t a parent who has gone through this process that will tell you they have done it perfectly. It’s tough to change from a role you have had for 20 plus years to something different overnight. If you will be quick to forgive yourself for making mistakes and your child for hurting your feelings, then you will transition much faster than if you hold grudges or resent what you experience. Forgiveness is the ‘reset” button in any relationship and allows you both to try again.
Though most adult children crave their independence, they still look for parental approval, guidance and support throughout their lives. To be effective in supporting your child during his/her life you must recognize the difference between being helpful and meddling. Always keep in mind that when your child said, “I do,” your role in their life instantly changed. If you will keep the above tips in mind as you create a new relationship with your child, you will see that the new role you will play will be very rewarding.
Rebecca and Michael Holland are the directors of The Family Lifeline, Inc., a not-for-profit organization dedicated to education and mentoring programs that strengthen individuals, traditional marriages, families, and communities by building healthy relationships. The Family Lifeline exists as a collaborative, community resource agency that is supported by a broad cross-section of community organizations, churches, businesses, and individuals. Since opening its doors in 2002 The Family Lifeline has served over 35,000 clients through classes, programs, and other services. Their mission is to build healthy relationships for stronger communities. For more information go to www.thefamilylifeline.net; call 505-891-1846 or write to them at 1207 Golf Course Road, Suite A, Rio Rancho, New Mexico 87124.
