Keeping In-Laws from Becoming Out-laws!

by Michael and Rebecca Holland

Directors of The Family Lifeline, Inc.

Just like a coin, marriage has two sides to it. While it may seem extremely blissful and ecstatic on one side, the other side might turn out to be extremely challenging and problematic. Adjusting to life with connections to another family is tricky, particularly if one or both sets of parents aren’t willing to let go. Frequently, some in-laws try to keep the same relationship with they had their son or daughter before they got married, even after he/she is married! In spite of the hopes that many newlyweds have that they will have a supportive and close relationship with their in-laws, many couples find just the opposite. In this case, in-laws can make married life very challenging.

When a couple gets married or makes any type of serious commitment, a host of other relatives often come with the new spouse. When you marry, not only does your relationship with your mate change, but so does your relationship with his or her family. Among the changes may be a different set of expectations in-laws have for the type of relationship they want to have with their new son-in-law or daughter-in-law. For example, a mother-in-law may wish to receive a weekly phone call from her new daughter-in-law. A fishing-enthusiast father may expect his daughter’s hubby to join him on his monthly fishing expeditions. While changes like these show a desire to welcome a new member of the family, not every change is welcomed or wanted.

Frequently, the problems with in-laws are due to a lack of adjustment for both the married couple and the in-laws. Many couples find the in-law adjustment to be a bigger issue for them than any other issue they face. The most common in-law problem seems to be when the husband and wife are trying to create a life of their own but (one of them) is still attached to the mother/mother-in-law and they can’t quite create their own nuclear family. Unless the umbilical cord is cut, the mother/mother-in-law will become intrusive and it will negatively affect the marriage.

The best way to deal with the challenging and problematic issues with in-laws is through calm and truthful conversation. The sooner a couple sets boundaries and limits with in-laws, the more opportunity they might have to be blessed with another set of understanding parents.

The following tips can help you cope with this potential marital issue.

1. The best way to work toward a successful relationship with your in-laws is to start early; even before you are married. Learning how to interact positively, respect each other and communicate well is essential.

1. Setting relationship boundaries early can help to establish what is and isn’t appropriate in your relationship.  Many a times, sensitive issues are the main cause of the problems with in-laws. You and your in-laws may have different opinions about holidays, vacations, visits, time with grandchildren, financial issues, and privacy. It is good to pre-set boundaries concerning your feelings, thoughts and expectations about these things. Before you approach your in-laws about these pre-set boundaries, always talk with your spouse about them and come to an agreement on how you will handle these sensitive issues. Once the two of you are on the same page, then it is time to talk to your in-laws.
2. After the wedding, keep in mind that your marriage to your spouse is your first priority. Turn aside everything else and look for ways you can grow your relationship. If you show your relatives that your marriage comes first and you do not compromise on this, they will learn to honor your requests.

1. When marital difficulties arise (and they will), do not share what is happening in your marriage with your families. This is critical. Many married couples share their marital problems with their families and then work things out with their spouses. Although the married couple has mended things, the family members still hold hard feelings and offense toward the situation.  Keep your marital issues between you and your spouse unless you need a third party to help resolve the issue. In that case, go to a counselor or therapist to deal with the problems.

1. Respect for your in-laws is crucial for developing healthy relationships after your marriage. Don’t criticize your in-laws, even if you don’t like their habits or attitudes. If your partner speaks something against them, just listen but don’t give your personal comments. Your comments will only add to the existing problem.

1. If struggles with your in-laws surface, listening is a very important part of tackling the problems. Listen to what your in-laws have to say even if you don’t like what you are hearing. Just because you listen does not mean you agree with them. Sometimes listening can help you identify the root cause of a problem and find a solution!

1. In most cases, insecurity is the root cause of the problem between married couples and their in-laws. Most parents feel left out or ignored after the marriage of their children. From their perspective, someone else has become as important or in most cases, more important in the life of their child than they are. Tackling insecurity can be difficult but keep this in mind. The more you can assure your in-laws that they are very important and hold a special place in your lives, the greater the chance they will adjust to changes.

The answers to the in-law complexities are varied but one thing is for sure. The more consistent and deliberate the two of you can be in maintaining boundaries and keeping your relationship a priority, the better chance you have of enjoying in-law relationships.

Do you know someone who is engaged or thinking of engagement? Did you know that couples who take at least 8 hours of premarital education experience HALF of the divorce rate of couples who don’t take premarital education? Encourage those you know who are going to get married to sign up for the next premarital class at The Family Lifeline!

Michael and Rebecca will be discussing more of these tips at their upcoming premarital class “FROM ME TO WE” on Saturday, October 19th.

To register call The Family Lifeline office at 505-891-1846 or visit our website at www.thefamilylifeline.net and click on the “Events” tab to take you to our calendar. Scroll to October 19 and register for the class!!!

Michael Holland and Rebecca Holland are the directors of the Family Lifeline, Inc. (FLL), a para-church ministry in Rio Rancho, NM that has served over 35,000 clients in the past 11 years. The FLL offers relationship strengthening services including marriage mentoring, marriage enrichment events and classes, premarital and youth education, and even business team building and life skills training. Michael and Rebecca are committed to helping develop healthy families that are based on the biblical pattern that God intended families to be.  Their mission is “Building Healthy Relationships for Stronger Communities.”  To reach The Family LifeLine, call 505-891-1846 or visit them on the web at www.thefamilylifeline.net