Dear You,
For as much as I like fun…I’ve discovered that life ain’t all fun and games, a laugh a minute, or a bowl full of cherries.
That’s hard to take sometimes because I love love love fun things. I want to taste, feel, and experience all the world has to offer. I’m ready to go at a moments notice. I like good times, but don’t let my “happy-go-lucky” exterior fool you: sometimes my insecure heart gets the best of me.
You ask, “How can that be? You have so many friends. You are the life of the party. Everyone secretly wants to be like you! Popular, fun, carefree”
Well, some days I am reminded that life ain’t all fun and games. I hate those days, those moments, when my insecurities flare with the intensity of a firecracker. You may not recognize my insecurities because they don’t keep me home. They don’t keep from seeking the company of people…lot’s of people. But, oh, they are there. Painfully present, yet hidden beneath my smile.
I love when people approve of what I do, how I think, how I handle situations, how I dress, how I express my creativity. But sometimes my flamboyant ways meet with the disapproving glare of raised eye-brows. Not everyone has the vision to appreciate the dreams in my head or the actions I take. Not everyone is ready to accept my overtures of friendship because I often extend it in the same bouncy manner as Tigger would if he were real. I get too excited too soon. Oh, how that hurts my heart.
People pleasing. I guess when you love people like I do, it is part of the territory. I want them to love and approve of me all the time. I’m usually OK, but sometimes it gets the better of me. Being a people pleaser causes me to succumb to peer-pressure. It was worse when I was young, like the teen years. I’m better now that I’m older, but sometimes I still get drawn into things I don’t really want to do. All because I cannot say NO. I hate disappointing anyone.
For years I planned and executed Christmas celebrations for my family. I do love planning and throwing a party, but expectations were high. The thought of disappointing ANYONE took the fun out of it for me. After all the holiday fanfare, when family members had returned to their own little corners of the world, there I sat amid the leftover tinsel, the dirty dishes, and discarded wrapping paper, knowing that they left disappointed. I know, I know, things like that say more about the dissatisfied party-goers than it does me, but it deeply cuts this people pleaser’s heart. I didn’t spend enough money. The limousine ride was “just OK.” It hurts when the love, adoration, and approval are not there.
Oh well. I’ll be off on another adventure soon. I’ll throw a party for a group of people that will shower me with the adulation and approval I so desperately crave. But sometimes, I just need to know that those closest to me love me despite my Tigger-ish ways, all my quirks, drama, and, often high-maintenance needs. Help me be happy even though life ain’t all fun and game.
Just love me!
Love Ya!! xoxox
The Sanguine
©2013 Shona Neff
originally posted at www.shonaneff.com
