“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” — Colossians 3:13-14
Do you ever struggle with forgiveness? We all do. But a core belief of Christianity is forgiveness — forgiveness from our sins and forgiving others for their offenses against us. R.T. Kendall, in his book, Total Forgiveness, gives us some help in this area. His subtitle reads, “When everything in you wants to hold a grudge, point a finger and remember the pain, God wants you to lay it all aside.” He has suggested seven steps to complete forgiveness and getting the conflict behind you.
1. Refuse to tell anyone how someone offended you. Why we want to tell others is to punish that person but Proverb 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” The exception to this would be your pastor or a counselor, or someone who has a need to know, particularly if there is some type of abuse or physical harm. The fewer people who know—the better.
2 Don’t intimidate the offender so that they are afraid of you. The Bible says, “Do not take revenge, my friends . . . I will repay,’ says the Lord.’ On the contrary: if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink” (Romans 12:19).
3. Don’t even allow them to feel guilty. We probably want them to feel guilty and bad about the offense but remember the example of Jesus on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
4. Let them save face. Dale Carnegie once said, “You can win a friend for life if you let them save face.” Yes, we might be in a position to really nail them to the wall in full view and embarrass them completely, but God wants us to protect their integrity even if you feel they don’t have any. Jesus said, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 7:31).
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear. When an offense comes our way, it may be so ugly that if someone else found out about it, it would absolutely destroy that person. But God’s word tells us, “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).
6. Make forgiveness a life sentence. If we let ourselves think about an offense over and over, the memories and scars will be renewed. Paul told the Corinthians, “Since you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:1-2). Once forgiven—always forgiven.
7. Pray for God’s blessings upon them. Jesus said, “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). Why? That we might walk as Jesus did—in total forgiveness.
Write these words from the apostle Paul on your heart, “forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Maranatha!
Pastor Don
