what if, being a broken cistern…is allowing holes into my very existence? holes that hurt. holes that pervade my life. holes that begin to ache. holes that i desperately want to be filled….holes that actually cannot retain any of the goodness that God is trying to so hard to pour out? He pours…and I empty.
He pours…and I empty….but not in a good way. And the more holes, the weaker the vessel becomes, and the faster it drains…and the harder it is not to literally BREAK the cistern entirely…
so that’s it. that’s what i have felt/am feeling. this drain on my soul. this pain in my person. this devastation of being devoid of Him.
He pours…and I empty.
it has been good for those around me…but it has slowly eaten away at and decimated my heart.
so what comes next?…what is the next move when His love is failing me…b/c i cannot be filled, b/c I cannot hang onto any of it for myself?
“shore up”.
Shore up…it means to “support by placing against something solid or rigid”
i know of nothing…and no one…MORE SOLID than God Himself.
with shaky heart, and doubtful hope….and trust issues that would make for a scary story around the campfire…i step out. i bring my broken cistern…and ask for help. i ask for God…to do what i think is impossible. to do what i doubt at times He can…to forgive me for not trusting…and to do what He has always wanted to do…put me back together….
one broken piece at a time….