Words are hard to type this morning as I read and re-read the post by Dyanne Gonzales. The memorial service in remembrance of aborted children she attended in Albuquerque, New Mexico brought tears to my eyes once again. So much so I decided to share some of my journey and how I became a pro life speaker.
I am the fourteenth birth to my parents. I always like to tease my brothers and sisters and say it sure took a lot of tries for our parents to get things right. There are eight years between me and my next sibling. She likes to tease me and say life was good as the baby of the family until I came along and knocked her out of that position. My mom had died when I was 8 and my dad was an alcoholic. I had a lot of holes in my life that I didn’t even know existed. I began to drink alcohol at an early age to try to fill the voids in me. Several times it almost cost me my life. I began to look for love in all the wrong places and became pregnant at the age of 15. An appointment was made for me in another town for a procedure to be done. I didn’t know much about it didn’t ask questions but was told it was common and the tissue was not an actual baby. It’s been so many years ago now but as I type this I can still remember the coldness of the room. I can remember the empty feeling after leaving that Dr.’s office wondering what just took place. I remember the heaviness I felt that day and the secret I carried and buried for many years. The secret of an abortion and the shame I felt from it was devastating.
In the early 90’s we had a couple come to our church to minister. Oh the memories of that evening. They were a young couple that was unable to have children. They sang and spoke about different issues in marriage. They sang and dedicated a particular song to people that had lost a child through death, miscarriage or abortion. I began to weep. I cried all through that meeting and left with my life so broken up inside. It is very hard to put into words what I was feeling. I just wanted to die to get rid of the pain. I cried all night long. I screamed, I cried, I got down on my knees beside my bed and prayed. I realized for the very first time the choice I made was so wrong. I chose to take the life of a baby and there were others who would do anything to have a child. Somehow, I bought into the lie the baby I had in my womb was just tissue. I had just buried the pain from the abortion. We never spoke about it. No one knew this secret I had hidden deep within my heart. I never really thought much about it until that meeting. Life had been moving forward and I thought everything with this abortion was finished. I made the choice and nothing could bring this child back to me. I missed my baby so much that night. Nothing seemed to bring comfort to me, nothing. It’s a pain I wish no human being would ever have to experience.
The next morning, I felt the Lord lead me to call a friend from my church and share my heart ache with her. I argued with the Holy Spirit for a few hours, but I knew the importance of being obedient. I phoned her and I explained to her that I had something to share with her and it was so ugly that if she decided not to be my friend, I would understand. I went on to tell her about the abortion, when I was a teenager, and how I never told anyone. I told her about the meeting I was at and how broken I was. She began to weep. She had had an abortion and never told anyone either. I cannot put into words what happened that day to me, other than to say after I confessed that to her, all of that pain and brokenness I was feeling inside simply lifted. The secret I had buried was out. The Bible does say that everything done in darkness will be brought to light. I am so thankful to the Lord that He forgives our sins. I learned we can never out sin Jesus. I do not want to sin and I try not to, but if I do I am so thankful that God gave His only son, Jesus, to pay that price. I do not want to hurt Him because I have a great love for Him. When you have felt the pain of brokenness and you know there is no man that can make you whole again, and you experience the touch of Jesus on your life – you do not want to sin. Abortion isn’t the answer. I know today how great a sin that is. As I look at my three beautiful daughters, the Lord has blessed me beyond what I could ever imagine. See, some people would say God would punish you because you committed such a sin. That is not the case at all. He died for us while we were yet sinners. That is so hard for people to grasp, especially the religious folks. I remember writing My Father’s Love – my first writing. That was the day I truly started to grasp His love for me. He died for me when I was deep in the smuck of premarital sex, abortion, drunkenness. Wow! That had been years earlier in my life, but that was paid for by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. I wish I had made wiser choices, I wish I had never experienced the pain and trauma of abortion and its aftermath. I wish I had never messed with alcohol and I wish a whole lot of things would have been different, but they weren’t. I have learned to turn those poor choices over to Jesus and allow Him to use them to help others. Jesus took all the pain out of my heart when I confessed the abortion to my friend. Something so supernatural happened that day. I wish there were words I could write to describe really what took place. See, I had this hidden shame and I did not even realize it was keeping me in bondage.
Several years ago now I volunteered at the Pregnancy Care Center. I felt so lead to sign up for their training. I did not need anything else to do, but really felt that Jesus wanted me to go. It was at their training center that I met another post-abortive woman. The center’s director called one day about training being offered to help work with Post Abortive Women. This dear lady paid all of our expenses to go and she went with us. Only God could repay such a gift. It was at this training experience that led me to a study Forgiven and Set Free, by Linda Cochrane. I had never named my child; I had no remembrances of him. It was time to go deeper for me in the aftermath of my abortion. I did my study with the other post-abortive woman that was at the center training with me. The scar of abortion words cannot describe. However, if it has already taken place, I know Jesus can take the pain and sting out. There are consequences to our poor choices, our sins. I will never see my son until I get to Heaven. I can never hear his voice and I can never see his face. I have now named my son Jeremiah Isaac Murchison. Jeremiah is my favorite book in the Bible. It was there that the Lord showed me that He knit me together and created me in my mother’s womb, knowing the plan He had for my life. I also have a remembrance of my son now. I went to the Christian bookstore and I asked the Lord to help me find a remembrance of Jeremiah. I was drawn to this little Precious Moment boy, standing behind a podium. I purchased it and it sits in my china closet. Precious it is, precious he is. I know he is with his Heavenly Father and I will see him in Heaven someday. Until then, I have prayed that the Lord would use me to bring healing to others who have lost a child through abortion, miscarriage, or death. I prayed He would use me to help others make a better choice. Abortion is not the answer. It is hard to express what I have experienced on this journey but let me introduce you to my son. I cannot be silent anymore.
Jeremiah,
God knit you together in my womb, knowing the plan ahead for you. He knew I would abort you and you would be a baby in Heaven.
I am so very sorry for that choice I made. I truly didn’t understand. Now that I do, I ask for forgiveness from you, my aborted child. Jesus has forgiven me, I received His forgiveness and now I ask of you. My decision took away all your rights here on earth and the days you would have enjoyed. I truly am sorry, I truly regret.
I live my life for Christ now, I truly feel His love. The love I thought I would feel from pre-marital sex didn’t fill the void in me. I was a wounded girl, just looking for love and I finally found it in Him. Again, I say I’m sorry Jeremiah, my aborted child. Again, I wish I had made a different choice. I know I will see you in Heaven someday, but until then I will be your voice. May God use me in any way He can to speak regarding life and His plan. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
Here is the post by Dyanne:
Dyanne: I Attended My First “National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children”
