Solving the Mystery of Marriage

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. — Ephesians 5:31-32

Marriage, the apostle Paul tells us, “is a profound mystery.” Now that’s probably no surprise to those of you who are married. The word “mystery” occurs numerous times in different contexts in the New Testament but only once is there ever an adjective attached to it for emphasis.

In Romans, for example, Paul talks about “the mystery of the hardening on the part of Israel “until the full number of Gentiles has come in” (Romans 11:25).

To the Corinthians he said, “Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed” (1 Corinthians 15:51-52).

To the Colossians he spoke of the mystery that had been kept hidden or unsolved for ages, and that is “Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:26-27).

But in Paul’s instructions to the Ephesian church, in the passage we’re going to look at today, he speaks about the mystery of marriage and he calls it a mystery that is “profound.” The KJV says it is “a great mystery” and my favorite contemporary translation from The Message calls the mystery of marriage, “HUGE.” My wife and I can tell you after 58 years of marriage, that all of those words—and then some—are appropriate descriptions!

Now what does the Bible mean when it uses the word, “mystery”? Simply speaking, it is something sacred or hidden or a secret which is naturally unknown to human reason and is only known by the revelation of God. In other words, unless God reveals the meaning, it will always remain a secret. But thank God, the Bible doesn’t leave us hanging—it not only solves the mystery of marriage for us but gives us the keys to a perfect marriage, if we will follow God’s plan as revealed in our text for today from Ephesians 5:21-33. I believe this passage is the most important one in all of Scripture on the subject of marriage. I have used it in every wedding ceremony that I have ever performed. It’s divided into three parts and each one gives us a clue to solving the mystery of marriage. Here’s the first one:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. — Ephesians 5:21-24

Four times in these four verses Paul uses the word, “submit,” which literally means, “to place under in an orderly fashion.” So the subject of these first four verses is submission or placing yourself under someone else’s authority or oversight.

But notice that the submission is mutual. The wife in this case, places herself under her husband in an orderly fashion, recognizing him as the head of the family, and she does so out of “reverence for Christ,” just as the church submits itself to Christ as the head of the church.

I have done a lot of weddings in the years of ministry and many of them I can’t remember. But there is one wedding that I didn’t do that I remember the most. I was asked to eliminate the “submit” part and also any reference to Christ. Politely, I showed the lady to the door. What she didn’t realize is that the submission part is mutual and absolutely necessary and without Christ there is no real marriage.

Now please notice as we go through the rest of the passage—that is all the wife is asked to do in the marriage relationship, other than to show her husband respect. Loving one another in the body of Christ is a given for all Christians (1 John 4:7). Now to the husbands and their mutual submission. This is clue number two:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. — Ephesians 5:25-30

Notice the direct comparison and model of a husband’s love for his wife with the love that Jesus has for his church. How does he love his church? First, he died for her. He gave up his life—for her. He cleansed her by giving her his word which was perfect and true in everything. He prays for her. He fills her with love and inspiration and is her guide, teacher, encourager, mentor and friend. His desire for her is that she be presented as the most beautiful bride of all, spotless and pure, holy and without fault. And of course that comes through her relationship with Jesus Christ. A husband gives his wife every opportunity to do that.

My wife and I were married in 1956. We met while I was in the military and she was still in high school, which initially caused a few problems with her parents—and you can understand why. We married two years later after I came home from being overseas. We were irresponsible, ill prepared, selfish, immature—and madly in love!

For the first 17 years of our marriage we thought that the “madly in love” part would sustain us but it didn’t. Kids and career changes came along and soon what the Bible calls, “the worries of life” (Matthew 13:22) took their toll and we began to drift apart from each other. The candlelight dinners and walks on the beach on vacations stopped, along with meaningful conversations. Plus—and this is the most important part—neither one of us really knew Jesus. Our relationship with him, if at all, was merely lip service. Dorothy and I even split up for a season.

But in 1974, after we had been apart for six months, an amazing thing happened. With the help of some born again friends, we made one last attempt to save our marriage by attending a Marriage Seminar at a local church—and one week later we gave our hearts completely to Jesus Christ. No looking back. It was Jesus for us, all or nothing. God not only healed our hearts and forgave our sins, but he brought a permanent healing to our marriage as we became born again, new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)!

As we began to read and study God’s word we learned that he had a marvelous plan and realistic keys for a husband and wife in their relationship with one another to have a successful marriage. That plan from the very beginning was for the husband’s love for his wife to be like the love that Jesus has for his church. The wife’s love for her husband was to be a reflection of the love that the church has for Jesus Christ—so that when the world looks at our marriage, they will not only see us but they will see Christ and the church loving one another. Now here is clue number three, and that is that the husband and the wife will become one:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. — Ephesians 5:31-33

Many of you have no doubt heard of Joni Eareckson Tada. She is an accomplished Christian artist, author, speaker and advocate for the disabled through Joni and Friends International. When Joni was a teenager, she was paralyzed in a diving accident that left here virtually helpless from the neck down and wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. A few years after her accident, Joni married Ken Tada, the man of her dreams. I want you to listen to her account of her wedding day.

“I felt awkward as my girlfriends strained to shift my paralyzed body into a cumbersome wedding gown. No amount of corseting and binding my body gave me a perfect shape. The dress just didn’t fit well. As I was wheeling into the church, I accidently ran over the hem of my dress. It left a greasy tire mark!

My paralyzed hands couldn’t hold the bouquet of daisies that lay off-center on my lap. My friends decorated my wheel chair for the wedding but it was still a big, clunky gray machine with belts, gears and ball bearings. I certainly didn’t feel like the picture-perfect bride in the magazines.
The wedding march began. I inched my chair closer to the last pew to catch a glimpse of Ken in front. There he was, standing tall and stately in his formal attire. I saw him looking for me, craning his neck to look up the aisle. My face flushed, and suddenly I couldn’t wait to be with him. I had seen my beloved. The love in Ken’s face had washed away all my feelings of unworthiness. I was his pure and perfect bride. The pastor began the ceremony with these words, ‘The two will become one flesh’ and the two will be like Christ and his church.”

The mystery of marriage indeed is profound—but the mystery is also solved. Christian marriage is a visible picture of the relationship of Jesus Christ and his church. Our Lord always does his part. Now church, we must also make sure we are doing ours.