August 2nd is a Hard Day…….Noah Left Us That Day

August 2nd is a hard day. Noah left us that day. Today is especially hard since we lost Mandy so recently. I realized last night that I haven’t given myself time to grieve in the past few weeks…life goes on & we must carry on, but sometimes we need stop, remember, weep & cry out. I did that last night. This is the most difficult August 2nd since 2004 when dad rang my doorbell very early in the morning to say “Noah finally did it” NO, I thought; how could he?! Why?! He was doing so well! I was SO angry at my brother! Noah struggled with bi-polar disorder & was only 22. He had made numerous attempts to end his life prior to that, but at the time he died, he appeared to be doing well. He had a deep longing for home; I know that. But we should never take matters into our own hands & decide when to die. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I’m not saying i don’t have compassion for those that are struggling, but I know first hand the ripple effect when a person is ripped out of the world by their own hand & how it has long lasting effects on those of us left behind. I’ve seen my parents, especially my mom, blame herself for his death. I’ve seen the gaping hole that is left & felt the whole range of emotion when you lose a loved one to self murder. You can’t just go away & erase your existence. All these celebrities dying by their own hands just brings it all back up again. It shouldn’t be glamorized or made popular by these figures who get so much attention. Whether they like it or not, they’re in the public eye & have many followers. I hurt for their kids; their fans; their families. That’s one thing I’m grateful for is that Noah didn’t have children. I’ve seen my daughter struggle with losing her dad to suicide & then her uncle, just 6 short months later. I’ve seen my nephews lose their dear mother. I hate suicide; I hate drugs, alcohol & substance abuse-they took away both my brother & my sister. Whether it’s an intentional act, like Noah or a careless, unintentional act, like Mandy, our life/my life/your life matters! God is the giver or life. He wants us to live. He came to give us life more abundantly, here on earth & in heaven for all eternity. When we take matters into our own hands or live carelessly or recklessly & abuse our bodies & basically tell God that his creation doesn’t have worth; that’s simply not true! We have today, so live it & know that the creator of all the universe made you; he formed you in secret & numbered your days. You have a purpose. Please, don’t ever forget that. I have a deeper longing for heaven now than I’ve ever had in my life before, but God’s not done with me yet. As long as there is breathe in our lungs, we must make the most of our time here on earth. I miss you Noah & I often daydream of what you’d be like today if you were still here. I wish both you & our sister(s) knew/know their worth. Love you baby brother & I know I’ll see you again one day because of what Jesus did on the cross and in that tomb when he defeated death. Heaven must be so glorious…no more dying; sickness; anger; hurt; deceit; addiction; suicide; murder; SIN!! This world can bring us down so easily, but remember Jesus conquered it all!