Maybe it’s time for this;
Just my gut.
I haven’t shared with many people – really, only 3 now.
My husband and 2 friends.
But here goes….
35 days ago, I learned many lessons. I dropped everything to rush to the Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis to simply sit with my friends Jeromy and Beth. Their son Andrew’s heart was shutting down.
I hung out with them in A’s room, full of machines, for about 90 minutes. We talked a bit; they filled me in on his current status, I cried with them, we hugged, we made small-talk.
I looked at the art projects Andrew had made the previous 10 days to pass the time while staying there.
Honestly – I now know that I did not understand the full picture of what was taking place. It was after 90 minutes that I did not want to overstay my welcome. Had I know that the doctors were going to evaluate his brain activity to get a full picture of if any damage that may have occurred, I would have stayed.
It was 90 minutes later after I had left that Andrew’s dad called me in tears, to tell me we were going to lose Andrew.
I was half way home.
I immediately turned around to drive back to the hospital.
To simply be with.
This is where it happened.
I know the place;
I know the town.
I know the exact piece of pavement.
I see it all in my mind, where I was.
You see, I’m not a big questioner of Almighty God.
Even through my family’s journey with my dad’s health, I have never heard them verbally question Him in pain.
That doesn’t mean my parents didn’t; I just didn’t hear it.
That was my example.
I’ve lived that same Faith.
But on that piece of pavement, I felt this urge welling up in my chest. I had never felt it before. I felt this push to say it. Tears began to form.
I heard Him say, “Just say it.”
I couldn’t! I couldn’t say it!
To say it would be going against what I have practiced for so long, right?! It would go against the Trust that I said I have in the Creator and Sustainer of Life!
If I said it…it would be like saying He failed me.
But then I gently heard him beckoning me to ‘say it’.
And so I did.
The dam broke and the bitter tears flowed rapidly….
And I wonder – if in that moment, I took one more step toward my Father in Faith?
Not that I had damaged it, but that I had enhanced it?
For when I arrived at that Cardiac Floor – to weep with a mother and father, to hold a broken grandmother, to embrace a big brother, to hug and support another friend – I could not pretend to understand anymore than anyone else there. I simply didn’t understand.
As I look back, that moment in my car was a starting point to a different level of Faith for me.
I understand the pain of my friend John better now; a story of loss that I’ve heard him share for 10 years. I get it now.
I see my friend Pamela better now – a mother + grandmother’s broken heart.
The psalmist David – his writings constantly penetrate my soul. He hurts; he yearns; he desires; he scorns.
Yet – he keeps trusting. He keeps praising.
Exhale…
I have learned in my almost-40-yr-old-state that the ‘Why’ may be the next level to the Father.
For in the ‘why’, I suddenly allow Him to craft and explain His answer to me…instead of never wanting an answer.
I’ve learned that Trust doesn’t = Blind.
Maybe Trust = Obedience, in the midst.
Maybe now – I’ve finally entered into an important conversation; one that I want to be a part of.
Amen. ????
