I remember the weight.
Feeling the darkness drag me down to a place I thought even God couldn’t go. Where I was a nothing and nothing really mattered. Where loneliness devoured my insides but no human being could fill the void. In that moment, I knew only the darkness. The joy of the day before was a distant memory and the hope of a brighter tomorrow was impossible to imagine.
That was the reality of my depression.
For many years, I had no concept that I struggled with depression. I was just ‘sensitive’, ‘quiet’, or ‘moody’. I didn’t understand the struggle within me — no words to describe the turmoil that would unexpectedly come and invite itself into my life. And once it entered, it made itself at home in the dark corners of my mind and refused, like a good house guest should, to leave.
As a child, I daydreamed of a different life. Of a different me. As a young adult, I found respite in my music and a busy schedule that kept the darkness at bay.
Then came the decade of change.
I was a Jesus-girl from the time I was 12, and I desired nothing more than to follow Him the rest of my days. We had been together for such a long time, surely I was a professional at all things Jesus by now. But it turns out, there was so much….so so much I didn’t know.
I didn’t know you could love Jesus and be depressed. I didn’t know you could serve in ministry and need ministering yourself. I didn’t know that running from my pain would catch up with me. I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know where to start.
Thankfully my husband saw that I was not doing well and encouraged me to find help. Because my emotions were wildly swinging in all directions at once, I went on anti-depressants. I speak only for myself when I say that they were exactly what I needed for a time. The muting of my feelings was a gift! I was exhausted from the pendulum swing of my all-consuming emotions — the calm was a welcome relief! With the help of the anti-depressants, I was able to care for my family — be a wife and a mother — and focus on life beyond my own pain.
During this time, I also went to see a counselor for the first time. I only went once, but it changed my life! I will never forget her words after listening to my story: “Of course you are depressed! I would be depressed too if I were you! I’d be worried if you weren’t depressed!”
No one had ever given me permission to be sad before. No one had ever validated the feelings that were raging inside. No one had ever said it was ok to be broken and a little crazy. I left her office with a joy that I hadn’t experienced in years — and it stayed for days and days and days.
Amazingly, once my feelings were validated, I wanted more than anything to overcome them. I wanted healing.
One day I was full of the assurance of God’s love and then the next day, I doubted He knew I even existed. On my bad days, I couldn’t grasp the concept of 1 John 3:1 “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!”
I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t believe it.
In essence, I was calling God a liar.
Some days it was a battle to believe the truth. Many times I prayed the same prayer as the father who exclaimed, “I do believe;” and yet in the same breath, he cried, “help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
Oh, it didn’t change my feelings overnight, but slowly….gradually….I was able to recognize the patterns of my depression. The fog would roll in, the darkness would descend, and I would start to question God’s love for me, His provision, His timing. Left unchecked with these thoughts, I spiraled into a pit that would take days to climb out of.
I can’t promise you will be healed, but I can promise that when you trust the truth more than you trust your feelings, you will stop sinking and your toes will finally hit solid ground.
