Grace, Gratitude, and Grief for Christmas

The soft glow of Christmas lights, the laughter of children, and the melodies of carols bring joy —but for many of us, they also stir an ache. This time of year reminds me of loved ones who’ve gone ahead to heaven, especially my son, Ryan

Missing Loved Ones and Embracing the Joy of the Season

With Christmas fast approaching, I can’t help but remember loved ones and friends who have left us too soon—or at least it feels too soon because I miss them so much, especially during the holidays. If you’ve experienced loss, you know there’s no set timeline for grieving, and everyone processes it differently. It’s not a choice we want to make, but each of us has to decide whether to keep going or allow our grief to consume us.

Faith: A Lifeline in Grief

I found a list on a grieving site that perfectly describes the experience of loss. I’ll share it at the end of this article, hoping it will bring comfort to anyone struggling this season.

It’s been one year now—December 8th, 2023— since my son departed this world. I am still finding my way, learning how to navigate through the heaviest grief I’ve ever experienced and holding onto the promises I’ve known since childhood.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”—Psalms 30:5

Turning from weeping to joy felt impossible, but my faith—and the encouragement of family and friends—sustained me. I prayed daily, often with just one word: HELP.

That was the only prayer I could muster. And still, some mornings, I begin with this simple prayer:

”Help me today, Lord”.

Lessons And Blessings

1. Going forward in this season of life, I’m cherishing my loved ones, leaving nothing unsaid, and showing gratitude for every moment. I can’t take it for granted that my friends and loved ones will always be here, and I look forward to seeing the friends and loved ones I’ll meet again in heaven.
2. I remember that God loves me, and as long as I’m breathing, God still has work for me to do.
3. You’ve likely heard the saying, “Death and taxes are the only certainties in life.” I believe there’s a third: we can never truly know what others are going through unless we’ve “walked in their shoes.” Those who are grieving often appear disengaged, their minds consumed by thoughts of loss as they force a smile to hide their pain.
4. I’ve asked God to forgive me for judging others or thinking they’ve grieved “too long.” Losing Ryan has taught me that I’ll never be the same, and that’s okay.
5. I treasure every moment of life.
6. I treasure every memory of the people who have impacted my live, both present and past.
7. Nothing matters more than the time we spend with those we love.
8. I remember the reason for the Christmas season and will share this knowledge with anyone who asks.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to mourn and a time to dance.”
—Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

A Club No One Wants to Join

No parent wants to outlive their children, and no-one wants to say goodbye to their sibling, parents or friends. A dear friend of mine who also lost her son said, “It’s a club no one wants to join.”

At first, I couldn’t get through the day without tears. Now, the grief comes in waves. I’m learning to allow the joy to seep in, asking God to lift me up when sadness overwhelms me.

God reminds us through his word, and through people who testify of Jesus Christ and the life to come, that if our loved one was a believer, we will be reunited. This hope sustains us, even as we miss them deeply.

I spoke with another friend who lost his son seven years ago. He told me that grief doesn’t get easier; you simply learn to live with it. Death is part of life.

How heartbreaking it would be to say goodbye to someone you love and not believe you’ll see them again!

Remembering Ryan

My son Ryan lived a fulfilling life, even while facing disappointments, overcoming disadvantages, and navigating obstacles that few could fully understand. Despite these challenges, he embraced joy wherever he found it. In high school, his teachers affectionately called him “The Renaissance Man” for his wide range of interests.

Music was the heartbeat of our family, and Ryan’s love for it shone brightly. He played various instruments, including guitar (both electric and acoustic) and trumpet, while his sister contributed her talents on the trombone and keyboard. Our home in those days was alive with sound, as they explored diverse styles—classical to jazz, bluegrass to rock-n-roll, big band horns to folk guitar. Sometimes, they played simultaneously in different rooms, filling the house with a delightful, chaotic harmony.

As an adult, Ryan chose to live intentionally. He avoided television, preferring to immerse himself in hobbies like ancestry research, restoration projects, writing stories and studying history. In the last year of his life, he dedicated himself to restoring a 225-year-old home on a 50-acre property. He cared for his animals, cultivated an organic garden—though he joked it was “the worst garden ever”—and poured his energy into projects. It was a hard life and he struggled, but it brought him much joy and purpose and he embraced it with the same curiosity and passion that defined his life.

Ryan’s final social media post reflected his compassionate spirit, especially for the people of Appalachia. He posted a news-article about the Santa Train’s 81st run, a tradition delivering gifts and bringing joy to Appalachian communities since 1943. Though he missed photographing the train crossing the country’s highest trestle because of traffic, he celebrated its legacy of hope—a legacy that reflects his own generous spirit.

The link at the beginning of this post is a video following last year’s Santa Train found on YouTube. It’s a little bit long but shows a lot of the beauty in Southwest Virginia. When our kids were little we followed the steam-engine trains that sometimes ran through Knoxville to the Smoky Mountains for fall excursions, just like the train chasers are doing in this video. Enjoy!

Ryan’s life reminds me to focus on what matters most—time with loved ones and the legacy of kindness we leave behind.

Grieving the Loss of a Child

I’m sharing a description of grief that resonated deeply with me, hoping it may help others. Originally posted in a group for grieving mothers, it outlines the multi-faceted experience of loss:

Psychological

• Clouded Memory: You forget things easily.  Find yourself lost while driving, or struggle to focus.
• Feeling Crazy: You fear losing your mind.
• Endless Replay: Your mind loops through what happened, trying to make sense of it.
• Shaken Beliefs: Your faith may feel tested.
• Difficulty Functioning: Work, reading, and daily tasks become overwhelming.

Emotional

• Anger: You feel angry at yourself, God, or even your loved one for leaving.
• Yearning: You long for just one more moment with your child.
• Guilt: You blame yourself, even though you know you couldn’t have stopped it.
• Deep Sadness: The weight of loss feels unbearable.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” —Matthew 5:4

Physical

• Sleep Issues: You sleep too much or not at all, yet always feel exhausted.
• Health Neglect: Taking care of yourself seems unimportant.
• Panic Attacks: Anxiety overwhelms you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” —Matthew 11:28

Family & Social

• Overprotection: You cling tightly to surviving loved ones.
• Isolation: Friends may fade away, unable to understand your grief.
• New Connections: You find support in others who’ve experienced similar loss.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” —Galatians 6:2

The New Me

When you’re newly bereaved, you don’t know how you can put one foot in front of the other, much less survive this loss. You’ll never “recover” from your loss nor will you ever find that elusive “closure” they talk of — But eventually you will find the “new me”. You will never be the same person you were before your child died. It may be hard to believe now, but in time and with the hard work of grieving (there’s no way around it), you will one day think about the good memories of when your child lived rather than the bad memories of how your child died.

Grief changes you forever. Over time, you’ll find a way to live with the loss, smile again, and cherish the good memories.

I hope God brings you comfort and you let these reflections and insights help you if you’re missing someone this Christmas. Whether it’s a friend, spouse, parent, sibling, or child, remember, you’re not alone—even Jesus understands your grief.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
—Revelation 21:4