By Michael Holland, Executive Director
The Family Lifeline, Inc.
What does it take to keep a marriage feeling close over the years? When many of us were single, we thought it was something akin to that old Beatle’s song: “All You Need Is Love!” However, shortly after we are married, we discover that it takes much more than love to keep you feeling close! Of course, we all agree that love is an important part of the mix, but as we grow and learn we understand that we need a lot of other things as well!
For example, my wife and I couldn’t survive without our programmable automatic thermostat in our home! I truly don’t like being cold, and my wife doesn’t like being hot and our thermostat helps keep the temperature just right for both of us! We also have a phrase we use to help us stop the drama when we are both frustrated and tempted to argue: “What’s the bottom line, here?!” Over the years our “can’t live without” list has changed, and is still changing, but certain essentials are here to stay. Our work with couples over the past decade has shown us that besides that basic connection of love, there are other things that couples can do to cultivate that bond of closeness. Give some of these a try!
A Beautifully Framed Picture From Your “Falling-In-Love” Days.
Of course, most couples have a wedding photo (or more) on display in their homes. However those wedding shots are often about more than just the two of you: you’re families, the dress, and the craziness of it all. So, find a snapshot from your dating days, have it enlarged, and choose a beautiful frame to set it off. Remembering the times when you were so in love and what originally brought you together can be an instant way of returning to those feelings you had when you first fell in love. Many couples report that sharing those memories helps them to recover those strong feelings for each other over and over again!
A Movie You Both Love
Many couples have opposite tastes in movies. For example, I prefer science fiction and historical movies. My wife loves movies that feature romances or complex characters that face difficult situations and overcome those situations. When we discovered the Lord of the Rings series, we were both captivated by the complex plot and the situations that the characters faced. We enjoyed the adventures that took us on a journey of our own as we discussed our future, and what was our “precious” thing that held sway over us. We get a “this is our special thing” kind of feeling and glow about us as we share funny or unique ways of communicating that we borrowed from the movie: like quoting Gandalf (“Keep it secret, keep it safe”) when one of us sends the other to the bank to make a deposit.
A Unique Anniversary to Celebrate
Your wedding anniversary is a lovely date to remember, but it’s not the only one that matters! It’s even more intimate to celebrate the less public moments such as your first kiss, first vacation together, or even the first time the pregnancy test turned blue! One couple that we know takes an evening car ride every year on the anniversary of their first date. They drive around with the windows down and listen to the radio…..they listened to Dr. Ruth on talk radio then, and while Dr. Ruth is no longer on the radio, they listen to talk radio and laugh together about the show. The annual drive always ends at McDonald’s where they share the two-cheeseburger meal with a strawberry shake. They say that although it’s silly, it’s true because that is all they could afford on their first date.
A Dream of the Future Together
Couples who share their dreams for the future together are happier and more committed to their relationship studies show. It’s not as important that the dreams for the future actually are accomplished, as much as it is to share them with each other. The couple that dreams together is taking the long term view, and that the daily ups and downs don’t have to be taken as seriously as the future does. Talking about your future together is a way of saying that you plan on being there for each other and that there are plenty of good times yet to come.
The Fight that Never Ends
What?! Some of you are thinking that a fight can’t be a way to get closer! Yet, recognizing that every couple has areas that they don’t see eye to eye on can help. Grace. Acceptance. A good sense of humor. These go a long way in helping to ease the differences. One wife that we know, who is vegetarian, is married to a man who loves deer hunting every fall. She has learned that she has to be accepting of her husbands’ hunting. She doesn’t make snide comments or make him feel guilty about hunting. Her husband, in return for his wife’s acceptance, agrees to store his game at his parent’s house, and doesn’t make jokes or comments about her vegetarian diet. Every marriage has it’s own prickly issue: in-laws, finances, disagreement over discipline of the children, and others. The point is that it’s important to recognize differences, and really listen to and appreciate your spouse’s differing point of view. Remember that there are reasons they think the way that they do! Ask God to help you to see things from your spouse’s viewpoint!
Mad Money
Whether you are a budgeting guru or not, every couple needs a “just for fun” account, according to Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Put aside some money that won’t destroy your budget when you use it. Spend it on a spur of the moment weekend trip or that concert you’ve wanted to attend. The important thing to realize is that you need to save and spend on fun things just as you do for other items in your budget.
Share a Mission
Sharing a common mission can help a couple to see beyond their world. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or host a neighborhood game night, or go visit seniors at a local senior center. Try sponsoring an orphan overseas and write letters together on a regular basis. Find a way to serve together at your local church. All of these can help a couple to generate feelings of togetherness and also to do some good at the same time!
We encourage you to “think outside the box” and find your own ideas and activities that will help you to feel close and keep your marriage strong and vibrant! We’d love to hear some of your ideas! Be sure to share how you and your spouse remain strong and close!
Michael Holland and Rebecca Holland are the directors of the Family Lifeline, Inc. (FLL), an organization in Rio Rancho, NM that has served over 35,000 clients in the past 11 years. The FLL offers relationship strengthening services including marriage mentoring, marriage enrichment events and classes, premarital and youth education, and even business team building and life skills training. Their mission is “building healthy relationships for stronger communities.” To reach The Family LifeLine, call 505-891-1846 or visit them on the web at www.thefamilylifeline.net
