3 of The Top Needs of a Woman

3 of The Top Needs of a Woman,  By Rebecca Holland of The Family Lifeline

Ok, husbands. This week I’m writing about 3 of the top needs that a woman has. Obviously, this isn’t a comprehensive list, and there are volumes of books written on each of these topics. But, for the purposes of this article, if I can give you a few pointers; a couple of places to work on within your relationships, then I’ll trust that I’ve helped you along on your journey.

Before I share these needs, let me be transparent with you for a minute. Perhaps many of you were like me:  I didn’t have a father that showed me how to be a good and Godly husband. I didn’t have a good picture in my mind for how I was to behave as a husband.  I had some real misconceptions about being a leader. I thought that being a leader meant dominating and controlling my wife…..much like the men I observed as I grew up. I didn’t like what I observed in those men, and so I did the opposite in my marriage and would do and say whatever I thought would make my wife happy. Things like: “Avoid conflict at all costs.” “Never talk about my own feelings or my needs.” “Let her make most of the decisions in our finances or in raising the kids.”  I did whatever I thought would please my wife. I truly believed that this was what Christ meant when He said that I had to lay down my life for my wife! However, this extreme doesn’t make for a healthy marriage any more than being a demanding, dominating and controlling husband does.

The truth is, husbands, God has given us the role of being the head of the home. This is part of our God-given responsibility! Yet one of the most common things I hear at men’s retreats, bible studies, and even in counseling is: “I don’t really know what it means to lead my wife.” Remember that one of the names of the Holy Spirit is the TEACHER! He will guide you and be your helper as you seek to love your wife well! And let me encourage you that you can learn the skills necessary to do so!

Let’s look at some verses from Ephesians and see what the Apostle Paul has to say about love and relationships.

Much of chapter 5 in Ephesians is focused on how we are to have Godly relationships.  I particularly like how the Message Bible says things toward the end of chapter 5:

“The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So, just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives likewise should submit to their husbands. Husbands go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.”

So, that sounds like a bit of a “tall order,” doesn’t it!? We can, however, learn to love our spouses well if we work on meeting the needs that a woman has for communication, our leadership, and for security.

COMMUNICATION

God gave men and women to each other for a purpose. When God was finished with creation, the only thing that He said wasn’t good, was that man was alone. He knew we’d need a helper. Men tend to be less accomplished at communication than women do. So man was given a woman to help him become a better communicator.

Once you discover that your wife can help you with this, your relationship with each other, and with God will grow far deeper than you can imagine. It is because you are connecting at the heart level….and communication makes this possible. Men, I encourage you to make the decision to open your heart to your wife; let her help you with communication when it is difficult for you.  Your wife NEEDS communication in order to feel bonded and close to you. You don’t have to be an expert….just willing to make the effort!

The second need of a woman is your LEADERSHIP!

DOES NOT mean domination or obedience! I think that the meaning of leadership in the context of loving our wives as Christ loved the church is “initiation”.  God loved us FIRST, God moved toward us first. He is relational in His nature, and He wants us as men to be relational. We need to be willing to make the initiation to move toward our wives.  Can I make a suggestion of where you start? Ask her: How am I doing as your husband? What do I do well? Where and how can I improve in meeting your needs? And then start leading her in spiritual matters and prayer. If that intimidates you, just start with a simple prayer. But just begin!

And I’d like to remind you that your wife needs your leadership in raising your children–she needs you to be involved in their schooling, discipline, and spiritual training.

If you don’t know where to start, there are lots of resources available to you in todays world: classes, books, websites, men’s groups, even the BIBLE! Trust that God has created you to with the capacity to communicate, to lead, and last of all:

Provide SECURITY!  

This is the #1 need of our wives. As men we oftentalk about protecting our wives, and that we’d be willing to even die for our wives if we had to. But, just as our wives need physical security, they also need emotional security—and this is provided by….. open, honest, heartfelt communication!

There are some simple ways to help your wife feel more secure. Begin by saying things like: “I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be here.” AND mean it!!! Don’t you storm out of the house when you are angry! Eliminate the word “divorce” from your vocabulary.

They need it financially. You need to take the lead in this! Build a budget and a financial plan TOGETHER! Live below your means! Eliminate debt. Save at least 10% of your earnings!

Finally, your wife needs spiritual security.  Are you setting the tone and atmosphere in your home by praying over your home? Watching what influences come in through electronics, TV, internet, music, and print? Do you measure these with the word of God? Just start leading in these ways, and it will help your wife to feel more spiritually secure.

Men, you can do many things to help meet your spouse’s needs. However, if you will start by meeting her needs for communication, your leadership, and security, you will make great progress in becoming a better than average husband!