By Michael and Rebecca Holland
Successful marriages are built on the Word of God and on a couple’s relationship with God. But when it comes to practical, everyday living, at the heart of every successful marriage is successful communication. Happy, strong marriages are built on good communication skills, while problems in a marriage often begin because couples don’t know how to communicate effectively.
If you are thinking of your own marriage, and realize that you could use some pointers in the area of communication, don’t despair! No couple begins their marriage with a perfect system for expressing themselves to each other. Effective communication is a skill that must be developed over time. The problem is that some couples stop working on their communication, and this often causes much pain and difficulty for those couples. However, if you are willing to invest the time and effort, you and your spouse can successfully build up this area of your marriage.
Communication is the exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings. To communicate effectively, you have to talk, and listen, in such a way that comprehension takes place. Good communication requires all three of these skills: talking, listening, and understanding. You must develop all three of these skills if you want to communicate successfully with your spouse.
Skill #1 : Talking
Talking might seem like the easiest part of communication. Most people enjoy expressing their thoughts, ideas and feelings, but the truth is that many people don’t know how to share in a clear, and effective manner. Whenever we speak, we should keep in mind Paul’s words in the book of Ephesians: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Eph. 4:29). Ask yourself honestly, if your communication with your spouse is edifying, and done in a way that imparts grace to your spouse? We should always make our aim to speak in such a way that we are building up our spouse and strengthening them through positive and encouraging words of grace and love. Also remember that men and women have different ways of sharing information and feelings. Men often like “just the facts” or approach a problem with a solution already in mind, while women often prefer to share and discuss their feelings about something before moving onto the facts and a solution. If a couple doesn’t accept and embrace these differences, they will often end up with poor communication and many feelings of frustration. But, when a couple learns to accept each other’s differences and needs and then chooses to respond with love and grace they will find that their marriage will grow stronger and their communication will be more satisfying.
Step 2: Listening
Listening is the vital key to true communication. In fact, listening is perhaps MORE important when trying to communicate. Studies show that we only actually hear between 10 and 20% of what others are actually saying to us. Why? Because many times we are beginning to think about our response and what we’d like to say long before the other person has finished speaking. Some people even interrupt the conversation if they don’t like the direction it is going, or if they feel they disagree. The problem with formulating a response ahead of time or interrupting someone who is talking is that we only hear part of what is being said. This often results in misunderstanding what we did hear. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that this isn’t wise: “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”
If you notice that you are an “interrupter” or someone who is busy thinking of your response to a speaker, there is a way to improve your listening skills. In fact, if all of us did this, we’d all be much better communicators! First of all, learn to listen objectively. This means that you CHOOSE to listen to the other person by paying attention to what they are saying for the purpose of just hearing them, rather than defending yourself and your point of view, or even to promote your personal agenda! You make a choice to focus on what your spouse is saying, rather than your own ideas. Make an effort to not think about what you are going to say until your spouse has completely expressed his or her thoughts.
Secondly, make the choice to listen and focus on your spouse’s words, even when you don’t like what you are hearing. It might be hard to listen, but remember that your spouse has a right to his or her opinions, ideas, and feelings. In fact, if you really listen, the Holy Spirit may even show you through your spouse’s words that you need to change in a certain area. But, you’ll never discover your need for change unless you listen to everything your spouse has to say.
Finally, effective listening involves taking in the details. It’s easier to do this when you remind yourself that you love and care for, and are committed to your spouse. Sometimes spouses find that they don’t pay attention to the details but remember your spouse is taking a risk by sharing his or her opinions and feelings. They face the possibility that you might reject what he or she is saying. However, when you respect your spouse for showing courage in sharing with you, you are actively showing your love for him or her. And we know that “love never fails!”
Step 3 Comprehension
The third step to achieving good communication is to make an effort to comprehend what your spouse is communicating. If you’ve ever overheard a conversation by someone speaking another language, you know what it feels like to have a lack of comprehension. You might comprehend the emotions, gestures, and facial expressions, but you don’t comprehend the entire message, and therefore, cannot respond appropriately. Comprehension comes when we treat each other with respect, and ask for the Lord’s help in understanding each other. Proverbs 3:13 says: “Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.” Understanding just doesn’t naturally occur, but comes when we apply grace, love, and wisdom to obtain it. We gain understanding by talking, listening, and asking questions until we comprehend what our spouse is communicating to us. Including prayer, and listening to what God is saying about a matter can often help a couple to comprehend each other when communication is difficult. Also, always keep in mind that no matter how long a couple has been married, they cannot read each other’s minds. (I know, sometimes we think we can read our spouse’s mind, but in truth, we are often incorrect!).
If you want to have a strong marriage, devote time to working on your communication skills. Listen closely, explain clearly, and ask questions of your spouse, and commit everything to prayer. You will find that your communication will improve over time.
And be sure to watch the link to this rather “humorous” video, and observe how your own thought processes cause you to perhaps think that something is intended, that really wasn’t!
Michael Holland and Rebecca Holland are the directors of the Family Lifeline, Inc. (FLL), a ministry to the family and local churches. Located in Rio Rancho, NM they have served over 35,000 clients in the past 11 years. The FLL offers relationship strengthening services including marriage mentoring, marriage enrichment events and classes, premarital and youth education, and even business team building and life skills training. Their mission is “building healthy relationships for stronger communities.” To reach The Family LifeLine, call 505-891-1846 or visit them on the web at www.thefamilylifeline.net
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