Shaken, not stirred, shaken, devastated! Twenty six years ago yesterday, the last Friday in the month of May, my son Shadrek Clayton Coleman, committed suicide. I had seen him the day before and made plans with him for Saturday or Sunday. But clearly those plans were nothing, my son was gone. The beautiful boy I gave birth to nineteen years before decided that this life, his life was no longer something he could handle and he was willing to end it to see what was next. It happened around noon and I did not find out until the evening. I was moving that day, here in the present I moved the day before and yesterday after making close to 25 trips up and down the eighteen steps of my new second floor apartment I felt like a car had run over me! I vowed to stay in all day Friday, that last day of the month of May.
I rested, was restless, even a bit bored. IF you know me, I am an active person and as a missionary “bound” to be about My Father’s business even if it is some interaction like renting an apartment, talking to someone in a store or reaching out and following His lead as He opens doors and lines of communication.
You know, I did not even realize it was an anniversary day until the evening. I heard the word suicide on a television show as I was in another room, another mother had suffered and been shaken as her son chose to leave this world. Her reaction with time passing was very different than mine, she became an extreme hoarder. Hey listen, the first year for me was EXCEEDINGLY horrific!! Shad, was handsome, talented, intelligent, funny, but he did have some problems that he felt insurmountable.
Those twenty six years ago, I was not holding on to God’s Hand or seeking comfort in Him. But still He knew and was preparing me for a lifetime commitment to His service and to have my life turned over to Him. Hallelujah!
Either that night or the next night I stood outside in the darkness of a black Hawaii night under a multitude of visible stars. I cried out to the heavens, to God, asking what about Shad, what about him. As my cry lifted up and of course God knew,. a bright star shot across the sky, burning out quickly and I felt it was my answer. It was a moment of comfort in that journey of pain, raw and indescribable. With time my hurt is lessened and the mourning put aside, Shad lives in my memories and dreams.
Maybe now YOU feel shaken, I would say to you that God in His infinite wisdom IS in control and HE will heal you, comfort you, even allow you to see a shooting star OR the evidence of an angel He sends to surround you or just to read a few lines written by me reminding you that with God we can be unshakable!!
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